The lazy girl’s guide to parenting, or why women go overboard with their first born…

I got a message last night on Facebook from a friend of the family, a mum of two, who I have only met the once. Her message said, among other things,  “thanks for making me feel normal,” which is a good thing to hear, particularly for me, who constantly feels like I’m on the edge of reason.

She had been reading my blog, and was able to identify with the frustration and guilt but also the relative ease of second time mothering. And as a mum of two rambunctious but lovely boys, she has her hands full, but with an angle for comparison, realised that she had been making work for herself with number one.

Off the back of my general plea for women to “leave their babies the fuck alone”,  Sally, for she’s happy to be named, said:

“Struggling as a new mother to cope with a baby who would not settle or sleep (during the day, never mind at night), I was a complete wreck and in desperation (and bribed by my husband with a bottle of champagne if I did it) at 6 months I tried the ‘controlled crying’ method. It was the best thing I ever did and completely changed the way I look at child-rearing. My second baby was sleeping well at a few weeks and such an easier baby simply because I had the courage and sense to leave him alone.”

Her message made me realise that most mums must secretly feel the same. I know a whole lot of women who take up an SSRI habit after they’ve spawned to help them keep a brave face on things. But why is bringing up baby causing a nation of prescription drug addicts?

It’s a sad fact that women feel pressure or guilt themselves into a parenting frenzy with their first child or even subsequent children. And Sally’s message reinforced my conviction that more mums need permission to be lazy. Not just permission – a good reason. So here’s one: IT WILL MAKE YOUR BABY EASIER.

All this ‘baby comes first’ nonsense that was parroted at me by prissy midwives as a first time mum,  (often while  referring to me as “mummy”….grrrrr) needs to be put to bed, once and for all.

Put yourself first. If you don’t, what;s going to happen when you’re strung out on sleep deprivation 10 months down the line. You are holding the whole shebang together and if you collapse, who’s left holding the (probably very fractious) baby?

I don’t doubt for a second that many of my problems with Jonah were caused by me trying to be the best mother in the world. Honestly, it wsan’t good for him, ands it wasn’t good for me. Give yourself and your infant a break. They need regular nap times (in their own bed) good nutrition  (soz, ladies, that does mean getting your tit out every now and again, but after that, chill out and give them a bit of your dinner rather than going on an Anabel Karmel blitzing frenzy. If you give them lumps, they learn to swallow. End of.) and sunshine (but not too much). What they don’t need is STIMULATION.

Your child is  new to the world. The world is stimulating. Shoving flashcards at your toddler is going to make them attention seeking and obnoxiously precocious. And that’s not likeable, so give yourself a break and give them some pots and pans to play with.

I’m not saying never play with your child, but remember you aren’t their clown, and that’s what brothers and sisters are for. Seriously, beget them a playmate and do yourself and them a favour. Only children weren’t known for being spoilt in the old days for nothing. They are.

And get them the fuck out of your bed. It seriously disrupts your sex life.