How can I ‘play the game’ if I don’t understand the rules: female autism and how it affects perceptions

Attitude and gratitude are subjective positions, viewed differently through the lens of perpetrator and perpetuator depending on status.

Sometimes, I face difficulties because my perceived ‘attitude’ towards something that I am doing doesn’t accord with what someone else thinks I should be displaying, which is normally, ‘gratitude,’or the lack thereof.

I think it is a problem of perception, and very often, power dynamics.

Whoever has the power within a relationship also has the ability to throw their subjective viewpoint onto someone’s ‘attitude.’

Without taking any factors into consideration as to what may be causing the perceived attitude, the person in power is able to denigrate the other person because, perhaps, they are not ‘grateful’, ‘helpful,’ ‘sycophantic’ or apparently ‘willing’ enough to do what is being asked of them. But ‘attitude’ is merely a façade for the eyes of the beholder, and surely, the proof of actual attitude lies in the pudding of doing, rather than in the enthusiasm or lack thereof demonstrated in acknowledging the task that has been asked of them.

Gratitude is a nebulous and spurious concept, locked as it is in concepts of hierarchy, power, social status and relative wealth, for lack of a better term, for wealth and power are so impossibly intertwined, and by wealth, I mean as much power and status as much as anything fiscal. What’s heaven for Jack, poor, lean and disadvantaged as he is, is hell for fat, comfortable and privileged Jill, and all that.

So, the fact that there may be tens of thousands of hungry young grads desperate to do something that I consider perfectly acceptable, but by no means thrilling, my perceived lack of ‘gratitude’ should be perhaps be viewed through the lens of my experience rather than written off as simply ‘being negative’ or not ‘grateful’ enough. If I am not hungry, perhaps it is because I have options on the table.

With this in mind, and given my massive problem with unfairness, hierarchy, and perceived problems with my ‘attitude’, I’m taking the plunge and going for psychological profiling to see whether I fit the criteria for female autism. My doctor says, given my family history, it’s likely, so rather than fight the rest of the world, I’m going to find out what’s wrong with me.

Although a diagnosis will confirm that I am unable to moderate my behaviour, at least it will invoke the protection of the state next time my behaviour is perceived as being ‘challenging’ by those with more power than me.

This is a useful link for anyone who thinks they may suffer from the under or misdiagnosed and often hidden condition of female Aspergers.

The fact that within seconds of posting that picture, I’ve noticed the ‘ it’s’ is missing its apostrophe is perhaps all the proof I need that I probably fit the bill for ASD, pedant that I am – but only on a second day sub. For any fellow pedants out there  noticing  my mistakes on first press, that’s probably because I’m more interested in articulating my point that fussing over typos in the first instance. But I do tend to hoover up the typos the next day, if knowing this will make you feel any more relaxed!