Consequences

I dreamt last night that Ava was drowning, and indeed she hasn’t been well of late. Gripey stomach pains that began last week were precipitated by a flaky rash around her mouth and ended up in vomit covered sheets on Thursday morning. But in the midst of her pain, she’s been rejecting me. Last night, stomach playing up after half a chicken sate stick at the Thai restaurant up the road, I offered to take her on my lap and she refused, and it’s not for the first time.

Sometimes I’m too tired to put her to bed properly and feel the need for solitude on a Saturday morning. Sometimes the constant demands of children overwhelm me and I respond by shirking my responsibilities, and hiding away. I guess this is payback.

She skipped off with Tom to the Lego Movie this morning with her brother. I didn’t want to go to after I growled at them both for coming too early into our bedroom, waking me up from my REM and beginning a downwards spiralling of the morning that left me in tears on the bed, while Tom cleaned up dog shit downstairs.

Later, after walking the dog in the freezing rain, Tom, the hero, made popcorn, and I breathed a sigh of relief as they left me to floor sweeping and a hot, lonely soak.