Being bullied is a lifelong affliction. But is it possible to be born vulnerable? And is there anything actually that can be done about it?

Image via: myaspergerschild.com

Two pieces of news struck me this morning. Both, reported in the Daily Heil (so I’m not going to add to their click through rate by including the links here) seemed to me to be apropos of the same phenomenon. The first that the effects of childhood bullying can be seen into late adulthood, with victims in their 50s experiencing life limiting depression, lower levels of employment, difficulty maintaining relationships; The second, that women taking SSRIs in pregnancy are nearly three times as likely to have sons born on the autism spectrum.

It has always struck me that boys are more vulnerable to diagnosis of ASD; that girls somehow seem to be more resilient to whatever combination of nature and nurture produces the effects of autism. So much so, that I’m inclined to believe that in actual fact they aren’t; that us ladies, with our greater propensity for socialising, social mimicracy and apparent empathy are less likely to fall into the extremes end of a spectrum where particularly ‘male qualities’ are seen as more ‘autistic’ than typically female. (Although I would question the extent to which autism links to lack of empathy, subscribing to the theory that ASD’s signature withdrawal actually results from an excess of empathy rather than a lack of it, or in fact that women are really more empathetic than men, having personally suffered more at the hands of female ‘bullying’ than males, for a start.) I have already written about characteristics of female ASD here.

Personally, I think that the spectrum shifts so that autistic characteristics for men would bring them to a place where they may appear ‘odd’ compared to the average man;  for women, it shifts so they exhibit more qualities (rather than physical characteristics – this is about the brain, not the body) that would typically be considered male. But, obviously, this is conjecture. I am no expert.

It is also not a view that is generally subscribed to by the medical community. When I, articulate, well dressed, able to appear friendly and approachable in short bursts though social interactions of any kind increasingly wear me out, who understands how one should present oneself at these occasions, despite my obsessive, sometimes acerbic personality and apparently grumpy demeanour, in a five minute consultation with a specialist suggested that my son’s Aspergers was no mere coincidence; that this type of brain that many consider to be socially awkward but often brilliant didn’t skip a generation having been handed down by my inventor father, but that I, who was having a tough time at work, and not I may add for my work but for my personality, was concerned that I might make the criteria for female ASD (which is only now being considered as being quite different to male ASD, he laughed and told me that I was fine, despite my long battle with depression, and a GP who was inclined to agree with me.

My point here is that women who take SSRIs during pregnancy may be three times more likely to have boys born to them on the autism spectrum because women who take SSRIs in the first place may be more likely to be on the autism spectrum themselves. Depression is a common symptom of ASD, but in women, sometimes it may be the only symptom in a condition in which it is becoming recognised only that females may simply be better at hiding it than males. I don’t think mother nature would be so hell bent on revenge on the male of the species to make them uniquely vulnerable in the womb to whatever combination of toxins and genes creates an autistic personality. I just think that what constitutes an autistic personality in females is different, which I have written about here.

I’m pretty sure I was on SSRIs, or only just off them, when I became pregnant with Jonah, but I’m not concerned that’s “what made him” Aspergers. I was on SSRIs because for whatever reason, my personality makes me vulnerable to depression – and bullying. Perhaps I am a bit literal: I find gossip and bitching hurt me to the quick and rarely engage in it, which means it’s sometimes harder to form social bonds with those – often women – who do. I have often felt isolated, both at school and during my career, which I feel has left me vulnerable to scapegoating and ostracism. The fact that on paper, I was a high flyer, although I sink when I’m asked to present to a room, or talk about something which isn’t my particular specialism, means that some people, mainly other women in my experience, although not always, may have felt threatened by me, making me more vulnerable to attempts to put me down. My compulsion to tell the truth regardless of the consequences to myself means I find it hard to play the game to which other people intrinsically know the rules. No, I’ve never had my head put down a toilet, but I have definitely felt picked on all my life.

When I see my son struggle with attempts to socialise at school I don’t just superficially empathise with him, I relive it vicariously. But for my daughter, for now, she seems to have escaped with the rather more likeable personality of her father. Pretty, popular, no one has any concerns for her, but behind closed doors, I see it in her too – her habitual “kitten” mode, her apparent contentness to be alone, her need for only one proper friend, her dislike of parties, refusal to conform to the female stereotype of her age group of fairy wings, tutus and princess dresses, her obstinate insistence on getting her socks on just so. It’s in her too for sure. But she copes with it better. Long may it last, because from where I sit, miserable, dejected, wretched with humiliation, and at risk of redundancy after what I feel is a sustained campaign, it’s all too easy to see how childhood bullying, and perhaps the associated, ‘difficult’ personality that goes along with it, is a lifelong condition from which it is very hard to escape.

So as for anything being done about it? The better autism is identified  and defined in both men and women, the greater we educate about its effects, the more protected a characteristic it becomes so at least when all is said and done,  you have the protection and a more equal footing, from which victims can fight their corner against “bullies” or rather, people who just don’t get it, big and small.