Do unto others as they do unto you (Sorry Jesus, but who wants to be a sanctimonious martyr whom no one likes?)

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Today, like most days, like most people in my age range and social demographic, the first thing I did was check my phone for messages, then Facebook, then Twitter. Normally, I obsess a bit over my blog stats, but as I am too busy to post much right now, they’re definitely some way off their peak. But whatever dopamine kick I may or may not receive from my stats, or from being retweeted (or not) on Twitter, Facebook remains my biggest source of social media masochism (although I use it mainly these days as an online photo scrap book and a leftie liberal op/ed  article newsfeed). And, this morning it had not one but two kicks to the gut to offer me- and from so called friends rather than badly subbed Guardian features.

One was a message from an acquaintance to whom I had sent a gift because they’d messaged me in a time of need. I’d sent them some melatonin – at considerable personal time and financial cost, because they had told me they weren’t sleeping in the midst of some personal trauma. Having suffered this horrific, life destroying malady myself, I went to the trouble of sending something that has helped me through my own dark times. My mum sends it to me from the States, as it’s not licensed in the UK. The postage was astronomical, even by sending some of my own precious supply from the UK now that postage is only cost effective to e-sellers; and it’s hard to find a post office that’s open outside office hours, so I’d trecked miles to find one in my lunch hour. I guess it was my choice to do it, but still… the days ticked by, and still I hadn’t received word to say it had arrived. I began to worry that the package had been handed into the police as containing an illegal substance.

After a tough week, where my own insomnia had crept up on me, I was feeling pretty pissy, when I read a book I’d been given by a well meaning colleague called Whatever You Think, Think The Opposite, one of those advertising bibles of the late 80s, written by a big cheese “guru” at Saatchi and Saatchi, back when ad creatives thought the solution to the world’s problems could be summarized in 12 words of ad copy and branded across a billboard. 

But reading its exhortations to “think different”, “dream big” and get “out of my box”, accept a “slap in the face” – somewhat ironic in the post Nigella and Charles Saatchi throttle-gate era –  and “swim against the tide”, I galvanised my people-pleasing, resentment nurturing pysche into touch and sent a somewhat shitty fb message to said person- who has let me down before.

By the morning I had received an apology, a note of thanks, and the so squat flimsy appreciation “that someone still gives a shit”. But it’s silly to keep giving a shit when you feel like others don’t really give that much of one back. In fact, it is to be discouraged. 

Among the other Facebook ephemera floating around my newsfeed today, I found myself posting, somewhat against my own personal philosophy of despising inspirational quotes, an inspirational quote, by legendary author Maya Angelou, as my wallpaper. It said: “Never make someone a priority if all you are to them is an option.”

It seems like a good philosophy for life, but can be hard to achieve if it’s been instilled in you all your life to treat others as you would be treated, which has always, as a nice C of E primary school educated girl, been one of my own life mottoes.

But here’s a new a motto which I’m really starting to believe in: if you treat people like shit, they are attracted to you like flies, which is unfortunately something I’ve had fallen prey to over the years. It’s human nature to try to cling to someone who is pulling away. But all you can do is let them go.

So when, this morning, plastered all over my newsfeed, were pictures of a bunch of my so-called friends at an important event together, to which I had not been invited, despite them attending  important events in my life over the years. I felt gutted, let down and rejected. But really the only thing I can do about it is reject them right back. Trying to continue the relationship, or be nice about it isn’t going to change the situation. In fact it will just make them despise me for trying to hang on to something that just isn’t happening. Much better just to accept, move on, and just not bother inviting them next time, rather than offering them the other cheek to take an emotional swipe at. It sucks but there it is.

But the upside to  making a dignified exit from a relationship is, it can orchestrate a turn around in the power balance – for what it’s worth. Like this week when I met up with one ex-work colleague and ended up having drinks with a few of the others, some of whom had  been nice; others, not so much.

It was good to catch up with old faces; even better to go back with a smile on my face, in a much stronger position that when I left – or rather, was unceremoniously given the boot, more for personal than professional reasons, I hasten to add. There’s always a hint of schadenfreude when you meet someone who’d previously been in power over you, who’d perhaps not always treated you with much respect, to suddenly be in a much stronger position than they.

Far me it from me to enjoy it too much, but I certainly felt a little glimmer of triumph when one of them started shamelessly flirting with me and messaging me for the remainder of the week. It can be empowering to be the rejector, particularly when you have previously felt rejected by someone, or a group who they’ve been too weak to stand up against.

But then it’s never worth compromising your own values to get your own back. I’m not advocating an eye for an eye here. But perhaps a better rule of thumb for life is to try to  treat others as they treat you, without becoming an arsehole. At least that way, you won’t ever feel like you’ve wasted your energy being nice to someone who isn’t always that nice back.