Between a rock and a hard place: social conflict amid society’s conflicting demands

It is testament to a lot of hard work that most days for Jonah pass without incident. Left to his own devices, Jonah is, for the most part, absolutely fine. He will entertain himself, as long as he is fed, with whatever obsession holds his interest, limited though it may be. If it weren’t for other people’s expectations, he would be fine.

For he is not the problem. But most people can’t see it like that. He is the one who can’t fit in, who overreacts, who loses it. He is the problem in their eyes. And increasingly, so am I for defending him.

Yesterday Jonah kicked a teacher and I was called up at work. The call was couched in terms of letting me know, so I could talk to him at home. But the subtext was more serious. Jonah has more difficulties, which is why we are giving him a chance. If it happens again, we might not be so lenient.

It took a while to get to the bottom of it. He kicked a teacher because everyone said he was ‘it’. He felt, rightly or wrongly, that his friends had ganged up on him in the playground. He often feels like this. Sometimes I feel that he courts the attention. Other times, I think he doesn’t always get what’s going on. Sometimes, kids can be cruel.

Jonah doesn’t like losing. That much we can do little about. But when he howls with frustration, we can leave him alone. We can provided ways that he can be alone, even when he has to fit in  at school. But recently, his school has decreed that he can’t go and sit in the library as has before, playing his iPad with one child for company to take a break from the ruthless socialising that  is part and parcel of part of living in society and the institutions it inflicts upon us. So he has to go outside, and be like everyone else. But it causes trouble, because Jonah is not like everybody else. But then, nowhere can cater to everybody all the time.

He got upset. I don’t know the ins and outs, but Jonah’s a pretty easy target for getting a reaction. He gives good ones. Spectacular sometimes. I have learnt to avoid them by staying calm, sticking to my guns, paying little heed.

On this occasion, the teacher didn’t take that tack. He got involved, drawing attention to Jonah’s distress, and embarrassing him into lashing out. Of course it looks like Jonah is the problem. But the problem is everyone else. Left to his own devices, Jonah would have got over it. But no one will leave Jonah to his own devices because he has to fit in, whether he is able to or not.

I felt it was perhaps time to talk to other parents about Jonah, to explain that because of his asperger’s, he is a bit of a target for other kids – his overreactions to mild teasing or feeling ganged up on, whether he actually is or not, makes him more vulnerable to attracting negative attention.

I messaged a group on Facebook. No accusations, just trying to start a conversation and find out other people’s take. Was my child involved?, the responses came back. They all are, I said, vaguely, although I didn’t name names. Jonah will never talk about it. But, then, he has to live with the fallout of his explosions. And in the meantime, they all have to live with Jonah.

I wanted to flag up that I felt it was time their kids are told – not to goad, not to taunt, not to tease; to ignore him when he starts to lose it in the playground rather than making fun of him or drawing attention to his behaviour. But then, it’s easy to see Jonah as the problem. But there’s no solution to Jonah but to leave him to his own devices, but society won’t let him. That would be irresponsible. But I can’t help but get the feeling that what society really wants it that “the problem” simply went away.

Sometimes that’s how I feel too. Sometimes, I avoid Jonah’s tantrums by letting him get his own way. By letting him play video games I disapprove of, so I can get other stuff done. It’s too easy to leave Jonah to his own devices. To let him play on them for hours on end, and not attempt to help him enjoy the things that don’t come naturally. I’m as guilty of that as anyone.I recognise it at least.

As punishment, I banned him from Street Fighter for a week (a game introduced by Tom as harmless 90s retro, but which I’d had concerns about that Jonah would take too literally) and took away his iPad for the rest of the day. But he was so sweet about bringing me the DS I’d forgotten about so he wouldn’t be tempted to play it behind my back that I relented about the iPad and let them watch Spongebob.

After all, I had work I needed to get done. And that is the rub. We’re all under pressure, having to cope with society’s conflicting demands. In some ways Jonah’s lucky. His single mindedness means that once he finds his niche, he will be able extricate himself from some of these pressure to perform social roles. But until then, we have to find ways to help him fit in, even though it’s worth acknowledging that it’s not always possible all of the time.