When self-help can be social harm

Self-help is not a bad thing per se. Don’t get me wrong. But the very core of its ideology – that you need to look inwards to improve things for yourself, can be damaging. Over the last week or so, I have come across, or been subjected to a variety of self- help techniques, through training courses at work, books, and previously, my own experience of CAT therapy. Many of these can be helpful, opening you up to new ways of thinking. But at their crux, is a very dangerous idea – that we are intrinsically capable of change at all.

When I chose to undergo a course of CAT – like cognitive behavioural therapy, but more passive – I felt it was enormously helpful. It helped my identify ways in which I contributed to my own problems – such as self-blame, high standards, which I applied to myself and others, and negative spiralling, which is a trap many people who have had difficult upbringings can do to themselves.

Because I chose to do it, and was open to ways to help myself, it changed my outlook, enabling me to confront challenges with a different, more constructive approach. This attitude forms the basis of all self-help. That changing your situation starts from within. But of course, it’s not the whole story, and this is where it can also start to feel like a form of self harm.

The problem is, that by supposing you and you alone can change your situation, it forces you to continually assess where you are going wrong, and always concede that there are ways in which you can change your situation. It also assumes others can do the same.

But there is a whole other story, one in which power structures, hierarchy, and the galvanising, or crippling experiences that propel us through life can enable or disable us. Only so much change is possible, and therein lies self-helps’ subtle self-blame. By assuming you need to change, it suggests that others can’t or won’t, which can be incredibly frustrating for the person making all the concessions, and empowering for the established status quo. The fact is, the world isn’t fair, and not all of us can beat the odds to improve our lives. We can try of course, but sometimes the trying in itself can be defeating. I took issue with a leadership training course I went on this week which assumes that we can all be leaders and that taking responsibility for our own work means we have no one to blame but ourselves when things go wrong. This is a very tempting narrative for the powers that be, as it shifts blame downwards, magnifying the small decisions taken by the little person at the bottom, where in all probability they are only responding to circumstances that are much less in their control than for those at the top. In all things, shit trickles down, and where there is power, there is also, without exception, a degree of corruption that improves things for those in control while expecting those at the bottom to be able to do more with much less.

In another example,  I read a self help book given to me by a fellow blogger,@mummytries, a woman whose company I enjoy, having met her on a couple of occasions, and whose book, Become the Best You my husband was thinking of buying me for my own struggles in beating a dysfunctional upbringing  – although in general, he knows me to be largely opposed to self help, mainly because I am aware of the many techniques, many of which, as I said, I found helpful, but I do really and truly believe, can only go so far.

In the book, Renee Davis talks through her own very traumatic childhood, and discusses ways she found to break the self-destructive cycle that often accompanies a difficult upbringing. I can identify strongly, through to say my own experiences are anywhere near as difficult as hers must have been by her own account, would be to trivialise what she has gone through. I take my hat off to her. She has succeeded in making her life and that of her children infinitely less stressful, and the techniques she suggests – letting go of the past, avoiding toxic friendships, eating well, adopting a brighter outlook and focusing on the future, are all well and good. In fact, they are to be heartily to be recommended. But, as with anything, a note of caution needs always to be introduced.

The self-help mentality assumes you are capable of making all these changes in the first place, and on the spectrum of shit people go through, there will only be so many who are capable of moving that far forward. There will always be so many who cannot. The problem, as I see it, with self-help is that it lays responsibility firmly at the door of the individual, when in reality there are so many more factors at play which can affect someone’s ability to help themselves. The self-help narrative assumes that if people can’t, then it is, in some ways their fault, which in many cases, really isn’t helping at all. For those who can help themselves, it reduces empathy for those who can’t, in its assumptions that people’s problems should all be dealt with from the ground up.

The recent appointment of a Conservative government shows quite clearly that this attitude is flawed. When the powers that be blame the individual for their circumstances, there is little sympathy, empathy, compassion or help offered for that person. Sometimes, people really are helpless, given their situations, environment, upbringing and genes, and in those circumstances, they need all the support we can offer them. Self-help can be a form of social harm, and we need to beware of assuming that where there is a will there’s a way, for it is not always true for many. And this is something I firmly expect to play out more prominently over the next five years on the world stage.