When everything just clicks – on getting my life back and moving on from motherhood

My oesteopath, after a session in which he invariably talked for 45 minutes while I’m sat in my bra, clicked something and then offered sacro-cranial therapy (head holding – it’s okay, my insurer is paying) told me I was “compressed”. It was a good adjective. I am compressed. Being a mother (among other things) has compressed me. It’s compressed my career (I ofetn report into people younger and less qualified than me); it’s compressed my sex drive, it’s compressed my ability to think and do what I want, and it’s compressed, at times, my will to live. That’s not to say it’s not also been wonderful and life enhancing, but a lot of the time, I just feel a bit compressed – a bit compromised, a but repressed, a lot restricted; the feeling that things aren’t exactly the way I’d like them given half a chance.

Perhaps it’s the almightly clunk the oestopath released from my neck this week, but I’m starting to feel like something’s eased up. I rather suspect the stress I’ve been under for several years on the trot, is starting to dissipate. Things have been settled. Financially, we’ve been on an even keel for a while now – so much so I’m considering working part time – and that has enabled me to take more time for myself. So I’ve been eating better, sorting my highlights out, going out for dinner, getting my bike fixed,  and generally doing things that make me feel a bit more in control.

In fact, I’m starting to feel good. The Gaps Diet (stage 3 and going strong depite the myriad tempatations of the bank holiday weekend) has uncovered long buried hipbones, reavealed waist definition that has previously eluded me and smoothed my upper thighs enough to wear short shorts. I’ve found myself smiling more, even singing and laughing. Making plans. Thinking about going back to uni. Doing something for myself because I can.

 

 
Partly this has to do with the kids generally being easier and more fulfilling: much better company and less likely to be pains in the asses for no good reason. Jonah’s lightened up. Perhaps it’s removing gluten. Perhaps he’s just growing up, but to say he’s one of my favorite people in the world to spend time with is more often the truth these days than previously (when I would often find reasons to not come home).

Ava too, for all she’s getting the hormones, is doing OK. Yesterday, we took them out to the parkland that edges the Regent Canal towards Mile End and beyond, she on her rollerskates, and Jonah riding his BMX like a pro (he was a late cycler because bi-lateral coordination issues), and I felt happy that they had so many beautiful places to explore close by, if they just looked up from their screens once in a while. It was a pretty day, and my sister Katie who was up with her young daughter Sammy (and clearly in the sort of dark places I have been to and back when the kids were younger and things were generally much harder) was able to relax. It feels like we’ve swapped places – there was a time when I was having it tough and things were going much better for her – it’s hard to hear, but I can’t help a little glimmer of competetive shadenfreude, becasue when it was tough for me, there wasn’t much more than sympathy on offer either. Who has time to help other people when we’re all chained to our desks (if we’re lucky enough to have one) clinging on for dear life in the brutal market driven world?

But life’s like that. Up and downs. We all need to be more understanding of those who are having a rough patch, because invariably all of us get a bit unstuck at times. It’s only a matter of time before things start to seize up again and life develops knots that take a long time to unfurl. But while things are on the up, it’s nice to take note of the positives so I can at try to stay more level headed when things get misaligned. Stability is crucial to happiness, and it’s only when you’re grounded that you can properly start to grow.