Naughty but nice – Matilda on a school night and an indulgent afternoon tea at Scoff & Banter

Taking a seven and a nine-year-old to see Matilda on a school night was always going to be a challenge the following day. When I dragged them out of bed this morning at the slightly delayed hour of 8 a.m., both of them were puffy eyed and grouchy from their 11 o’clock bedtime, and several times the recommended daily dose of sugar the previous day. Hell, the bottle of 7 Up I bought from the theatre bar (alongside my own gin and tonic) was 61% of the daily recommended allowance, and that was bought to wash down a bag of sour dummies, purchased at the old fashioned sweet stall outside  the Cambridge Theatre, to fill the hour we spent waiting around Seven Dials  for the evening performance to begin at 7.30pm.

By that point, I was beyond caring. The problem with accepting freebies is you have less control over the details, and while I gladly accepted the PR proffered offer of a Matilda afternoon tea at the aptly named Scoff & Banter at the Radisson-blu Mercer Hotel in Covent Garden, I knew it would come with a hitch. The hitch was that, in order to also get free tickets to the show, we’d have to go to a matinee, which clashed with both school and work. But having accepted the tea, I knew we’d definitely want to see the show, for which I duly bought my own tickets. The problem was, last orders for the tea was 4.30pm. With the best will (and most leisurely, best-behaved eating) in the world, we’d still have two hours to fill before the performance started. But, for £64 worth of grub (and a pleasant afternoon out with my children), I’m prepared to put up with a lot. And so, it was with meticulously planned timing that I managed to rush from work to pick the kids up, take them home to get changed and let the dog have a pee, and scoot up to the tube to take them to Covent Garden, for an indulgent feast and slightly naughty-for-a-school night evening out that I knew I’d pay for, one way or another – even if the meal itself didn’t leave me out of pocket.

We were greeted at Scoff & Banter by a charming waitress, who stowed the kids’ scooters and agreed to keep hold of them until after the performance, saving me much lugging during our two hour hiatus to be filled, reasonably successfully, with window shopping – they each bought a crystal from the Astrology Shop on Neal Street, and Ava bought a skeleanimal mystery box from geek shop Forbidden Planet with her birthday money, which successfully used up about an hour.

Luckily, by then, they were sugar-fuelled and willing to be dragged. The tea had been a great success. Scoff & Banter, has, as its name suggests, the air of being the juncture where excitable provincial theatregoers and jaded marketing professionals cross paths in their respective daily schedules, and heading there, as we did, on a Wednesday mid-afternoon, the place was sparsely populated with both these types, none of whom, being considerably over 18, were participating in the Matilda Afternoon Tea deal, which gave the occasion the slightly illicit air of being caught behind the bike sheds smoking during double maths, or taking a sunshine holiday off-peak. I’m sure, on a Saturday, the place would be buzzing with youngsters. In any case, my two weren’t bothered, having been presented with the menus, which included a selection of sandwiches geared to kids’ blander taste buds, a jelly shot containing a Haribo newt, scones and all the trimmings, two types of cake, an Eton mess, and, to top it off,  an apple faux-jito –  and being told they would be getting everything on it.

My own tiered cake stand contained enough food for the whole family, and had rather more grown up mini smoked salmon bagels, as well as a prosecco and fruit jelly shot, and a rather delicious strawberry tart, so I shoved my carb phobia to one side for the afternoon to enjoy a range of my own and the kids’ sandwiches, while playing world’s best mum by telling them they could eat exactly what they wanted, in whatever order, which naturally saved extra sandwiches for me.

The kids’ eyes lit up when their food arrived, Jonah having downed his rather convincing, if slightly too sweet by my standards, mocktail. No one could finish the food, but Jonah in particular made a valiant effort, eating at least a week’s worth of calories in one sitting (which is fine since he’s as skinny as a rake), and shocking even himself by being able to turn down a slice of Victoria sponge, which after a chocolate and orange layer cake, scone and clotted cream, the jelly and dessert, was rather too much, even for him. I delicately sipped tea and nibbled cucumber sandwiches, while the children gorged, planning what to do with them for the next two hours. But, with the verdict on the food being “amazeballs”, and Jonah sincerely thanking me for taking him on such a nice outing, the late night that followed and the mild inconvenience of waiting for the main event, seemed all worth it.

The show, when it happened was fabulous, both kids managed to stay awake, agreeing, rather sleepily they’d have a wonderful time. And, when it came, the anticipated fallout this morning was minor. In all, as a one-off treat (particularly when I didn’t have to pay for this order of gluttony), was well worth the £112 I paid for theatre tickets (upper circle, row E, had a pretty good view) , even at the slight risk of type 2 diabetes the whole evening imposed.

Reprobate Mum went to Scott & Banter at the Radisson blu Mercer Hotel on Mercer Street, and enjoyed 2 kids and one adult Matilda Afternoon tea courtesy of The Corner Shop, RRP. £64.00