Being a boy in the age of fourth wave feminism

I had a conversation with Jonah, 12, recently about what an unusual time he’s growing up in – when historical male, white privilege is being overturned, and the fact that without being to blame for any of the hideousness that comes along with pale male power, he’ll probably spend his life apologising for it.

I know, he said gloomily, feeling for the first time the weight of prejudice that, historically, has been the burden of other cultures, colours or genders. But then, having a disability means at least he’s got an excuse for his social faux pas – though I’d argue anyone with an excess of testosterone (or indeed oestrogen) could claim –  it seems like we all need one in a time where treading carefully and being mindful of, not just others’ feelings, but also our own prejudices and the weight of historical inequality, appears to be the order of the day.

And it’s not that I think it’s wrong that the pendulum has swung in favour of those who may have been hamstrung, one way or another, by their gender, race or socioeconomic status. it’s just that I also think that things are the way they were for a reason and viewing historical behaviours through our modern lens risks hampering our present, as we all look around for things that could potentially offend the next generation. I’m not talking behaviour that would be lewd and unpleasant in any century, although as an ex-stripper, I find myself raising my eyebrows slightly that these days being a Formula One grid girl has suddenly become frowned upon, whereas internet pornography remains, until April at least, as available as ever –  if you don’t mind letting Big Data know what your proclivities are. At least the advent of uncensored smut forced us to admit we all have them. And these days anyone with a sex drive and some software can paste on a picture of whomever they chose to a body doing what used to come naturally before Feminism made sex feel dirty again.

Perhaps it is morally questionable for women to use their sexuality to get ahead in life – it creates inequality among women as much as anything else – and while men should be discouraged from doing so, and yet but it feels to me as it yet again it’s women’s power that is being curtailed rather than the inherent sexism that enables it. Feminism has come a long way in exposing the patriarchal hierarchies that keep women in traditional gender roles, and they should be dismantled to an extent, but we are getting to a rather ridiculous scenario today where the only people who are celebrated for traditionally female behaviours are boys, and girls only get applause if they kick a ball and cut their hair off. A brief glimpse of Secret Life of the Zoo reveals that perhaps gender roles are to a great extent inherent – perhaps it gender bending chemicals in the water as much as a better understanding that gender is a spectrum, not binary, that is forcing us to rewrite history.

But watching The secret life of five year olds- the girls, it’s also clear to me it’s more nature than nurture that’s making my gorgeous 6-year old niece want to put socks down her footballs shorts, than a particularly gender neutral upbringing on the part of my pink-loving sister.

And, though I suggest she stops using Glade plug ins*  when her second daughter was born – just in case – for all my quirky, personality-filled niece is quit,  quite perfect just the way she is, I just hope she feels she in in years to come. Modern life may have many wonders (I would argue it’s also creating many of its own challenges) but I’d still be devastated if anyone encouraged her to “do anything” about her innate tomboyish tendencies, now that modern medicine has an answer for everything.

No, it’s behaviours that for centuries have been normal and acceptable, say meat eating, for example, that are now under scrutiny by a newly right-on generation that believes they are saving the planet with abstinence of one kind or another, but who fail to realise that they are being led by government policy intent on shaping economic behaviour. We need to eat less meat, drink less alcohol and smoke fewer cigarettes because ultimately these activities curtail tax revenue. (Yes I know cigarettes and alcohol are taxed but in terms of their costs both to healthcare and longevity and thus to the treasury is ultimately much higher.)

But it’s much more of a stretch to believe that the recent push towards veganism is anything but a realisation that we need to eat less meat, but it’s also true that there’s far higher environmental cost from eating avocados flown in from the equator than locally raised lamb. Capitalism means none of us is exempt from cruelty, when our pensions are invested in munitions and our Nutella is made from the lives of displaced monkeys. The only way to feel morally superior would be to tear down the whole system and start again. Perhaps that’s what all these movements are about. From #metoo to #freethenipple to #wearethe99% and #veganuary, there’s a growing awareness that power is concentrated into the hands of the few and so most white men are just as powerless (indeed more so if you’re working class, in traditional blue collar jobs) as anyone else.

The issue with dividing us is that all our problems stem from the same cause, whether patriarchal systems or environmental Armageddon. It’s noone’s fault and everyone’s but the system is one we have created for ourselves, because for whatever reason it worked at the time.

So that’s why I think this new feminism has become something of a slippery slope. Men really aren’t any more to blame for the ‘patriarchy’ than German people are to blame for the holocaust. Yes, historically, and on average, men have had more power, but it wasn’t just the rules of society are a product of historical necessity and tearing them down won’t change some basic facts about human nature. It’s not just financial markets that operate like a market. Basic inequality is written into the human condition, perhaps even, (whisper it) our genes – it’s a necessity in order to get things done. Someone has to do the dirty work – and historically, women were more likely to wet nurse than chimney sweep. I know which I’d rather have done. Arguing the toss about the shit famous women have had to put up with risks negating the shit all the rest of us have to put up with to earn a living – men and women. But no doubt it’s all better than it was in the past, thanks in part to women risking their lives to protest. But the alternative, which is basically communism, as history shows, doesn’t really add up to much either.

For my son, I expect he’ll benefit from his excess of testosterone – it is a precursor to success, as history tells us – the size of your ring finger, uniquely associated with testosterone exposure in the womb, one of the biggest frontal indicators of lifetime success on any measure, believe it or not. His innate interest in tech, his slightly obsessive approach to getting the things he’s interested in done; his nerdy creative streak all bode well for a future in which technology is a game changer favouring brain over brawn which I hope may go further to destabilise the pyramid of capitalism than any other social change to date- but I doubt it.

I also hope he won’t inadvertently offend with his oft-unhinged pre-frontal PR centre, and his youthful instincts that may not always quite understand the rules – particularly those that keep changing. But I know that he means well and I think that’s where women can sometimes be on the offensive, looking for reasons to be blame. That too is the result of history and  once the pendulum has swung  on who is to blame for what (hint – we all are) then perhaps we can all start apologising for who we are in the better understanding that likely none of us can likely help it anyway.

*(although as this article shows, being fed soya formula from BPA-lined cans when my sister was herself was a baby in the 80s may have inadvertently created hormone issues in her daughter)