Life, death and everything in between

The distinction between past, present and future is an illusion, albeit a stubbornly persistent one.

Albert Einstein

I’ve found myself thinking a lot about death during my daughter’s first months, and not just because my hormones levels are ricocheting.

I have a theory (borne out by studies on near death experiences) that as the brain stem dies memories buried beneath our consciousness flood back in the moments before we die, when time ceases to be relevant. I feel the piecemeal experiences of early life will give her comfort as her mind fades to black: some things feel too cliched – her wallpaper of sepia clouds and star-studded sleep suit that make her look like an angel; the Max Richer Sleep album I’ve played before bed since the womb – music which can only be described as heavenly; even the nursery rhymes I’m exposing her too could quite reasonably be the final tattoos of a dying mind. By this logic, I will be there, hidden in the darkest recesses of my daughter’s brain long after my own death, just as my parents will be in mine. It makes sense that however we are eased into life helps ease us out, so I feel doubly beholden to make the experience as gentle and as beautiful for her as possible.

So far, for all we’ve left her to cry for short periods to get her to settle to sleep, and had the odd cross word (make that more than a few- it’s had to be nice when you’re knackered) between ourselves within ear shot, her life to date has been calibrated, as far as possible, to make the world, even in its current wintry austerity, a welcoming place; her constant, heartbreakingly innocent smile is testament to her current contentedness, capturing the moments of bliss that makes all babies worth the genuine pain; I fear it may all too quickly be replaced by toddler-wariness, because that’s how it tends to go over time.

While it lasts though, the pure joy at being alive encapsulated in that moment in itself makes life worth living. My hope for Lana (the Smiler as she’s now dubbed) is that her whole life continues to make her as joyous as she seems so far. So it’s more incumbent on me than ever to set a good example and ensure my own life is a happy one.