Image from Stand by Me
I did something today that I wish someone had once done for me. I stood up to a bunch of bullies.
Yes, they were just a bunch of kids. Jonah’s friends, ostensibly. But they were attacking my son. Oh, yes, I gave them what for. Threatened to tell their mothers, the teacher, the police. I really yelled. It’s been a long time coming.
I’ve pussyfooted around it for far too long, talked to the teachers, played nice, invited them round for tea, told Jonah to walk away, or to tell an adult. He never really complains about it, but the bruises have been getting more frequent. I suspect there’s an element of six of one, which is why he often won’t talk about it, but actually, Jonah’s not mean, just probably a bit annoying.
This time they were going at him with sticks in the bushes outside the park where I was watching Ava with one of their mums. She’d caught one of the boys throwing stones at Jonah earlier, and I’d already had a word with the culprit. The time before, he’d left nail marks in Jonah’s wrists. The week before that, the same lad, who we’ve known for years, raised merry hell at a BBQ we had for Tom’s birthday, all the boys from Jonah’s class playing shoot ’em up with the Nerf guns and running rampage round the house. I thought we’d broken ground, but clearly I was wrong.
It’s a relief doing SOMETHING. Standing by and watching him get mullered from afar is dredging up memories of my own schooldays, isolated, picked on, not really knowing how to defend myself except by telling the teacher, and when that didn’t work, withdrawing into myself, or acting out for attention. I see Jonah going into himself more and more, when he’s not acting out. I can stand by no longer.
We had an appointment with a clinical psychologist today, ostensibly to access help for Jonah’s angry meltdowns but also to help him find his way out of situations like this. After tooing and froing, with questions asked about his sleep, diet, triggers and how I respond to him – to see where we might be going wrong, as much as getting to the bottom if it, I plead, “I try my best to manage him really well as far as life allows. I just want to step in before we get a kick of testosterone. I know how this can end up if we do nothing, so I want to try prevention rather than cure.” The psychologist put him on the waiting list for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
It felt like a step in the right direction, although, it places the onus very much on my aspie son, rather than society, to change. But Jonah, skipped out of the appointment having squirmed his way through it, seeming lighter now there was a plan in place.
Andthe psychologist offered me a chink of light too. After years wondering about myself, she offered to screen me for an ASD diagnosis, for all the good it will do me now, except that it might protect me in the future from suffering at the hands of a corporate bullies who pick on the vulnerable and those who speak out against unfairness, regardless of their work ethic, as has been my recent experience. So for that, it may be worth it, one day.
The fact is, it can be hard to stand up to a bully when it’s much bigger than you are, or, like Jonah, when there’s six or seven of them at once. Sometimes, it takes an advocate to make a difference on your behalf.
And I’m signing Jonah up for martial arts. I just hope all my efforts will help, and not harm him further. Because, in the end, we are all just left battling with ourselves.
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Try kinesiology for your son, to help him release any trauma, too.
Interesting! I’ve never heard of that. Will google it now.
I’m with you. My son is an Aspie, is a 9yr old and is physically bullied at school. He doesn’t report it, why? Because he fears it will get worse for him if he does. I’ve explained this makes him vulnerable and those children who know he doesn’t speak up will target him even more. He still won’t report it. He wants to die, he’s asked God to take him and he says he is ready to go. I feel the bullying is contributing to his feelings of low mood and depression. School are aware but will only act directly if my son gives the go ahead. He is targeted because he’s a little bit different and it makes me sad to think that some children are imprinted from there parents/carers to turn on and reject others who are a little different to themselves. I recently witnessed an unprovoked attack on my son after school where he was hit in the stomach and winded by a younger boy. I collared the parent and explained what had happened expecting the child to be spoken to or disciplined. The Mother just stared at me, shrugged her shoulders and claimed she “no speak English”. I used body language and sign language to get the point across but to no avail. She didn’t care. If the parents don’t care what hope do the children have in learning right from wrong. I worry about what the future holds for my son but I’m proud that he isn’t physically aggressive in retaliation and I know that he will find his place in the world.
Good luck to you both. It is heartbreaking watching your child struggle. And it’s unacceptable that another child is physically violent. I kinda just hope it’s nature’ sway if making them angry enough to do something truly brilliant to get their own hack one day. I *think* that’s how it made me feel, anyhow. Best wishes, RM.
My daughter (7) is Aspie, she is yr3 at school. We have a different issue to deal with. Mental bullying, the nasty girls in her year have worked out that DD can’t understand sarcasm etc & they persistently tease her with this. There are no physical marks but I can see the marks cutting deep into her psyche 😦
Oh god, horrible! Yeah girls can be the worst. My girls school shredded me (but also prepared me for offices- they might get bigger but no less nasty) get a psyche involved now! It’ll help her find ways out of it, and perhaps prevent too much lasting damage. Best of luck to her. I feel her very real pain xx
Good on you. I wish someone had stood up for me as a kid. Keep on at it. I will defend my boy regardless because teachers rarely act constructively! !
Thanks! I generally think drawing attention to it makes things worse, but actually, I think kids need to know what’s acceptable behaviour or not. And poor old Jonah struggles to stand up for himself. Luckily, I’m friendly with all the kids’ parents, so they have had words, and will keep an eye on it if it’s the childminders, not me in the playground with him!
Controversial: I appreciate that much depends on the age of the child but please try finding a boxing gym that takes kids – girls and boys – it has worked wonders for my son (small, 15). They don’t have any physical contact unless you agree, but since then if he is bullied he doesn’t hit back by choice – after 3 months of boxing he isn’t scared, knows how to take a punch and knows he could hit back if he wishes to, his choice is not to. Have you spoken to your boy about what he wants you to do? If there are any tactics that he can use? I understand all too well the horror of having, in my case 2, children who are bullied. But the school has to help him – behind the scenes – and as we all know eventually he will have to find a way to deal with it himself. Home schooling is the last resort, and a number of my friends have resorted to it – and it is always better than persistently low self esteem. I feel fury for all of you. x
I agree with you in principal. I do worry however about encouraging a physical approach as when he is older he may be facing kids with weapons- if someone wants to steal his phone, it’s best just to give it! It’s tough isn’t it. I don’t think he has low self esteem per say, just wants to be liked but doesn’t always know the right way to go about it. But then being charming is a rare- and sometimes morally spurious – gift! Thanks for your comments, and good luck to you and yours.
This is my worst nightmare. My son is due to start school in September and is very shy at the moment and easily gets pushed about by others his age who have stronger personalities. I would probably do the same if I was in your position, in fact I think you have been more than patient with these little bullies. I really do hope things work out for your son and the school actually do something to help and support you all.
Thanks for commenting. He came home with claw marks on his neck today so the school have said he can stay in at playtime if he wants. They’re trying but it’s hard to know what to do. The kid doing the hurting must have issues of his own to be acting like this. I just hope they help him too. Good luck with your son. Having your support will help 🙂
My brother who is now 28 has Aspergers and he used to disrupt the class, (knocking people’s pencil cases off the desk, annoying things like that), and he was always physically bullied too. Things were awful for him because our mother disliked him and never hid it, she had no patience or understanding and lacked the support that she really needed. Before he was diagnosed, in year 9, he was about to be expelled from school for constantly disrupting his classes, and my parents came down really hard on him, and then on each other, (there was so much stress in the house, they frequently rowed over him), and on that particular night he took an overdose in front of his little sister, (me). He was rushed to hospital, stomach pumped. He told me later that dad cried on the way home. After that, Mum somehow had him diagnosed and he wasn’t expelled. Fast forward to now, my brother is living with his boyfriend in Ireland, earning an excellent wage because he has always been very smart, (something I have noticed in all Aspergers people I have met), he is very happy, sociable, sensitive, caring, popular. My point is, THINGS GET BETTER. My mum who has many issues herself but never got the help when she was younger, still can’t spend too much time in the same room with him because they wind each other up. Perhaps she has it too, she definitely has something and admits it. Anyway, having only read this one entry of yours, I don’t know if you need this advice: Make sure you and your son get the emotional support that you need. My bro only admitted he has Aspergers once he was an adult, and he has since openly offered help to a friend of mine who also has it. Thanks to the internet there will be many people who will listen with understanding ears.
Thanks for this! It sounds very familiar. Poor you, and your brother. It sounds like it was tough. So glad to hear it’s got better for you all. I have literally just returned from a psyche appt, with the same doctor who is seeing my son. She’s screened me and referred me to an ASD specialist. You’re right. Often one problem begets another and I do feel that has been the case in my family. Still noone’s perfect, least of all me, it seems. All the best, RM.